30 Of The Funniest Tweets About Married Life July 28-August 9
Marriage is full of highs, lows and a whole bunch of ordinary moments in between.
And somehow, the spouses of Twitter continue to find humor in the minutiae of married life and sum it up perfectly in no more than 280 characters.
Every other week, we round up the funniest marriage tweets of the previous two weeks. Read on for 30 new, relatable ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
Friendly reminder that its not you, it’s just the photos your husband takes of you
â€" Maryfairyboberry🧚ðŸ»â€â™€ï¸ (@maryfairybobrry) August 1, 2021My wife gets a delivery almost every day.
Something came for me today, and in a judgmental tone she said "What did you order?"
â€" Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) August 6, 2021I’m never more dangerous than when my husband asks me if I really want to eat this late.
â€" Ousa Medusa (@MedusaOusa) August 9, 2021Husband: What’s wrong?
Me: I pulled a muscle.
Husband: Working out?
Me: Getting dressed to go to the gym.
â€" Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) August 6, 2021My husband has started doing this new thing where he responds to me telling him no when he asks me to do something by yelling “is it because I’m gay?!â€
â€" Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) August 8, 2021my mom no longer wants a birthday party so i had to cancel her costco cake so my husband suggested we buy a smaller cake to commemorate the loss of the big cake he’s never been so sexy
â€" That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) August 6, 2021I asked my husband how he is and he said ‘I’m fine’.
He’s going to divorce me isn’t he?
One of my favorite parts of marriage is when we separate and talk to different people at a social event, then download all the gossip to each other on the ride home.
â€" SpacedMom (@copymama) August 5, 2021Wife: Can we play Rummy?
Me: I don’t know, *can* we?
Her: *May* we play Rummy? I don’t know what you’re looking for
â€" Sam (@mastrap84) August 6, 2021If I ever refer to my husband as my "rock" on Facebook, I've been hacked.
â€" Laura Marie (@lmegordon) August 5, 2021Her: I just don't understand why you don't do it my way?
Her way: pic.twitter.com/YHjkv3OekB
â€" Big, Bad Caffeinated Dad 🇳🇿 ☕ (@CafeinatedBacon) August 6, 2021Husband: “Please stop introducing me as your Uber driver.â€
â€" Obviously Everyone... (@OMGSoOverIt) August 7, 2021When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
â€" Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) August 6, 2021The cashier was flirting with my husband and I'm upset cuz I thought she was gonna give us free chips or something
â€" Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) August 6, 2021My wife just said to me “you’re right†so I’m expecting an assassination attempt at any moment.
â€" Shade 5 🎬 (@Shade510) August 1, 2021I spend longer deciding what to order at a restaurant than I did deciding who to marry...
â€" It'sa me, Marl-io (@Marlebean) August 2, 2021My husband is out in the garage looking for something I threw away weeks ago.
Do I just leave & start my new life now?
â€" Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) August 4, 2021this one time my wife said “omg that was awesome†after we had sex, but she was actually thinking about the berlin wall falling in ‘89
â€" Grant Tanaka (@GrantTanaka) July 30, 2021Husband I agreed we each got to choose one movie this weekend.
I chose Fear Street: 1994.
He chose some documentary on fungi.
It’s amazing our marriage has survived this long.
â€" Unexpected SAHM (@UnexpectedSAHM) August 9, 2021One fun part about being married is you and your husband can get really into the new song “Blinding Lights†in July of 2021
â€" KELGORE (@KelgoreTrout) August 1, 2021I wish I loved anything as much as my wife loves new school supplies.
â€" Simon Holland (@simoncholland) August 9, 2021me: i’m going to go get the mail.
wife: i already got it.
me: (just needed 30 seconds of quiet) this is bullshit.
â€" Ordinary (@OrdinaryAlso) July 29, 2021Just a reminder that if you didn't start discussing what to get for dinner tonight with your spouse 3 days ago it's already too late.
â€" Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) August 6, 2021I'm not saying you should marry someone because they're good looking. I'm just saying it worked out for me.
â€" Laura Marie (@lmegordon) August 6, 2021Even the happiest married people have a list of TV shows they would immediately binge watch in the event of a divorce.
â€" Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) August 6, 2021My wife, when I start a sentence “you know what I think?†pic.twitter.com/yKagnL4Fha
â€" an english human 😠(@English_Channel) August 7, 2021awww my husband bought me a gift and it’s a really nice pair of gardening gloves
i don’t garden
â€" Kiss my Fat AshðŸ' (@Tobi_Is_Fab) August 8, 2021Me: I hate the way you drive.
Husband: Do you want to drive?
Me: No thanks. I prefer complaining about the way you drive.
â€" Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) August 4, 2021My husband just got down on the floor in front of where I'm sitting and did 10 push ups.
Is this the dude equivalent of a dog bringing their empty food dish to you?
I stopped nagging and arguing with my husband.
Now I say it once, then I just add more throw cushions to the bed and house.
Pink ones.
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